It has been almost a year and a half, but I'm still feeling the shockwaves of that day. It was a routine dental visit that ended up gutting me and hurling me in to a year of utter despair. After having spent my entire life taking care of my teeth and spending thousands to have a great smile, the dentist just comes in and, all too nonchalantly, tells me all my teeth need to be removed and delivers a quote of 50k. There is only one other time in life I felt thrown into that space of "being". It was when good old Dr. Oneill came in and, all too nonchalantly, told me my daughter was pregnant at sixteen.
Twilight Zone. What the hell just happened to my life?
I know you know what I mean. Those jabs life gives you that just take your breath away. Today, I've got my fingers crossed that this current Fancy Teeth Twilight Zone will turn out as great as the first TZ. He's thirteen now and in my contacts as Sir LouDogg McLuggNutt. He is the coolest dude I know and I love him in ways I've never loved a thing. But at first, he was the Twilight Zone baby thrown to me out of nowhere! Now, he's one of the greatest loves of my life. Though I don't intend to have some great love affair with my Fancy Teeth, I pray I can find more and more peace and humility around the whole story as time passes. We will see.
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LOSING YOUR MIND:When your mind forsakes you for the truth and full emotion of torment and you give into that space of being for sustained periods of time no matter your body and minds urges to do otherwise.
Basically, you've had enough and are simply too tired to do anything but keep losing your mind.
Feel right to you? I made it up, but it sure felt that way to me.
Keeping our minds strong and safe is the hardest work we must do here and most of us are losing it because we don't know how to keep it safe and strong in the first place. I'm learning more and more and it's blowing my mind. There are so many ways we can live that can make our lives and those around us better...even as we grieve. Helping others find their way through grief is what I want to do.
The other day a young woman I know who is suffering the loss of her father all while getting clean and raising a family shared this quote. Man, if it didn't hit me square in the jaw. WE GRIEVE A LOT OF SHIT IN LIFE. The obvious and not so obvious, but we grieve and in our very own and very unique ways. This was me when it hit and,man, did it hit hard. I won't go into all the ways I suffered in detail, but a breakup, bad teeth and not having a home of my own were among the top three. COVID and my body completely shutting down were the icing on the cake and THE ONLY THING THAT SAVED ME, WAS LOVE. When I was at my worst, my people showed up in love.
If you have never felt the way these words describe, thank God. It changes you at your deepest core and makes you more human and more real than you'll want to ever feel. I faced a reality of being me I didn't know existed and it scared the shit out of me. Grief makes you take a hard look at self in new and perplexing ways. It's other level living and it's hard. I also believe it is THE reason we should simply love one another. I also believe that many, until they've faced this kind of deep pain and grief on their own, have a hard time understanding it. Man, does a part of me grieve for that ignorance again, but part of me also knows that losing things we love or want is only PART of our story and a small part, at that. LIVING is the big part and how we do it while we suffer is crucial to the health of the entire planet.
How we LIVE when we are suffering matters to us all. The ripple effects of pain and grief are immense if not met with love. Over the past couple years, I have never been more thankful for my community of LOVERS of my soul; people who deeply and truly care for me and have offered me mercy when I've been at my worst. I will do my best to love you at your worst, too. Promise.
It has now been four days since I had all my teeth removed and implants put in. Never in my life did I think I'd be spending my 53rd birthday like this. Never. And, never did I think I'd have to work so hard to pay for something I didn't want, but had to have. Never.
Never.
Never.
Never.
Yeah, right. We never know, but we must be ready and we must love one another the best we can through it all.
This spin through this Twilight Zone period is about over and I'm now entering a zone of peace and joy and It feels so good after having been so held up in grief for so long. I'm breathing and smiling and I don't feel so angry. I'm making decisions and, good ones. I'm content and more reliable and decisive. I may have lost my damn mind for a time and even my teeth, but I have not lost heart, friends.
Tammy is in the house! And, I'm slinging doors wide open full of anticipation of all LIFE has for me and you and having FAITH that whatever we create will be GOOD. Very, very good.
Please, take a peek around tammychouinard.com to see what I'm doing and how we can help one another live more true and beautiful lives.
If you are grieving today, I grieve with you. We all do. The deepest parts of each of us who have experienced such deep sorrow. We feel, see and know and we love you and have faith that you will be okay. We all will.
Be nothing but the good stuff.
With so much love,
Tam